Beyond Betrayal: Finding Hope After Hurt by Those We Trusted
by Rebekah Drumsta
There's a unique kind of pain that comes when someone you trusted—a faith leader, a spiritual mentor, or even a well-known Christian author or influencer—betrays your trust. This betrayal trauma cuts deep because these are the people we often look to for education, direction, insight or spiritual guidance. When they fail us, especially in harmful ways, the wounds can feel insurmountable. This post is for those navigating the aftermath of such betrayal, whether it's from a local pastor, a family member in spiritual leadership, or a prominent figure in your faith community.
The Weight of Betrayal in Faith Spaces
Spiritual leaders, from pastors to popular Christian authors and influencers, hold significant sway over their followers. They're entrusted with guiding others toward healing and spiritual growth. But what happens when their actions or words cause harm? The betrayal feels magnified because it disrupts not only our trust in them but also our relationship with our faith, community, and even our own judgment.
This betrayal can take many forms including: a pastor's moral failure, a Christian author promoting harmful ideologies, accusations of sexual abuse, a revelation of patterns of toxic behavior, or a family member in spiritual leadership using their position to manipulate. The pain is intensified because these figures often represent our connection to the divine and identity we have built for ourselves.
Recognizing the Patterns of Betrayal
Often, those who betray our trust are operating from places of unhealed trauma themselves. They may repeat cycles of harmful behavior because they've never addressed their own wounds. This doesn't excuse their actions but helps us understand how these patterns perpetuate harm.
Signs of betrayal in spiritual contexts might include:
Hypocrisy: Leaders not living up to the standards they preach
Abuse of power: Using authority for personal gain or to silence critics
Emotional manipulation: Using guilt or shame to control others
Lack of accountability: Refusing to acknowledge mistakes or accept responsibility
Re-traumatization: A leader further wounding you either by their own actions or by treating you in a non-trauma-informed way
The Impact of Betrayal Trauma
Experiencing betrayal from a trusted spiritual or faith leader figure can leave you feeling disoriented and questioning everything. This betrayal trauma often leads to:
A shattered worldview: Struggling to reconcile your faith or beliefs with the actions of its representatives
Attachment injuries: Difficulty trusting others, especially in spiritual contexts
Complex emotions: Anger, grief, shame, and confusion often coexist
Spiritual dissonance: Feeling disconnected from your faith or spiritual practices
Spiritual Identity Disruption: Recognizing polarizing messages and actions which result in a crisis of identity and belief
Steps Toward Healing from Betrayal
Healing from betrayal trauma in a spiritual context is a journey. Here are some steps to consider:
Acknowledge the Betrayal
Give yourself permission to name what happened. Betrayal is a form of relational trauma, and recognizing it is crucial for healing.Seek Safe Spaces and Support
Find people who will listen without judgment—whether it's a therapist familiar with betrayal trauma, supportive friends, or online communities for those healing from similar experiences.Reclaim Your Spiritual Journey (or Not)
Consider what it looks like to reclaim your spirituality on your terms. For you, this might mean exploring new practices, redefining your relationship with organized religion, embracing spiritual autonomy, or finding new sources of spiritual guidance.Set Boundaries
Protect yourself from further harm by setting clear boundaries with individuals or institutions that have betrayed your trust.Practice Self-Compassion
Remember that healing is not linear. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate complex emotions and rebuild trust—in others and in your own judgment.
A Call for Healing in Spiritual Leadership
As faith platforms and communities – both virtually or in person - we must develop environments where leaders are encouraged to heal. Yes, being held accountable with moral and ethical integrity must be a priority. But it’s time the religious culture recognizes that leadership has also experienced traumas and are responding in reactionary, unhealed ways. This in no way excuses or minimizes the harm and abuse perpetrated by faith or spiritual leaders, yet desires to reach the core of “why is the happening” to prevent further harm.
Included as faith or spiritual leaders are: Popular authors, social media influencers and bloggers, church staff, and family members in positions of spiritual authority. True spiritual leadership stems from a place of self-awareness, healing, vulnerability, authenticity and a keen empathy for others.
You Are Not Alone
If you've experienced betrayal from someone you trusted in a faith context—whether it's a local leader, a family member, or a well-known Christian figure—know this: Your pain is valid. Healing is possible, not because you need to "get over it," but because you deserve to reclaim this piece of your story, find peace and wholly heal.
Rebekah Drumsta is the founder of the Religious Trauma Network.
To read more from Rebekah visit RebekahDrumsta.com.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition. Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly individual observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.