The Shaming of Anger: How Christian parenting books harmed generations of children.
by Janyne McConnaughey
My husband and I were out thrifting when I spotted this book title: The Heart of Anger: Critical Help for the Prevention and Cure of Anger in Children. I did not recognize the author, Lou Priolo, but the Foreword was by John MacAruthur, Jr. On the front of the book was a child whose expression probably looked much like mine quite often as a child. She was standing in the center of what looked like a bullseye.
I glanced at the copyright which indicated that it was published when my eldest child was a teenager and my youngest was about ten. Then I stood in the aisle glancing reading the Foreword which clearly identified the problem as sin and the Preface by Jay E. Adams which stated that “Every nouthetic counselor will want a copy as well as some to give away or lend.”
At this point, I pretty much knew what the book would include so I quickly put it in my cart so no unsuspecting parent would buy it. It has been staring at me from my book shelf for months. It wasn’t until Krispin Mayfield began his Strongwilled Substack series that I understood why the Christian parenting books of my child-rearing generation troubled me so deeply. I asked him if he had heard of this book (he is usually way out ahead of me) and he had not but was interested in what I would say. So, here I am—saying it.
Thankfully the author did acknowledge that some anger in children results from being provoked by parents. He also included meeting and working with parents for a minimum of three sessions before working with the child.
In the story that introduces the first chapter, at the end of those session, it is concluded that the child in the story had anger problems. The author states, “It looks as though Joshua may have developed some of the characteristics of the angy man described in Proverbs.” He then explains that Joshua’s repeated pattern in this area had resulted in him being “bound by that sin.”
From there it is described the characteristics of sin that Joshua exhibits and the path he took to get there: A wounded spirit, bitterness, anger, stubbornness, and rebellion. In every paragraph it refers to this ten-year-old child as a man and then eventually identifies him as a fool with twenty-five characteristics of a fool described in the book of Proverbs.
The chapter ends with the parents accepting that the problem is that they do not have a God-centered home—described in this paragraph (which many parents within patriarchal churches agreed with.)
“The child perceives that the husband is the head of the family and the wife is submissive to her husband. Theirs is the primary relationship. It is permanent and exists to glorify God. Children have a secondary and temporary relationship.” (p. 28)
The bottom line is that the parent’s need for Joshua to not be angry outweighed unmet needs or treatment that was causing the anger. By this point, I had almost forgotten the author was talking about a child with a developing brain. My confusion was confirmed by this quote:
“I had tentatively diagnosed Joshua as possessing characterological anger. He qualified, in other words, for the dubious distinction of being an angry man.” (p. 29)
And if you need a paragraph that demonstrates how a generation of parents taught children to accept mistreatment and abuse, here it is:
“You two are big sinners. Joshua is a little sinner. As a sinner, he is 100% responsible before God for his anger problem, and must assume that responsibility. God expects him not to be sinfully angry, regardless of how his parents provoke him. God expects him to change whether you choose to or not.” p. 29)
Then the parents are told to stop provoking ten-year old Joshua with their child-centered parenting. Yes, I wrote that correctly.
The following list includes the “25 Ways that Parents Provoke their Children to Anger.” It is important to note that I only bolded three points as problematic. (#2 because it blasted all parenting that puts an emphasis on the child’s needs. #11 because it was conflating patriarchal parenting with Godly parenting. #21 though the author might distinguish physical abuse from spanking, a child’s body and nervous system do not. #22 —and almost #20—because it excused belittling and name calling by making it spiritual. #25 because it pits the Bible against what brain research has taught us about human development and places fear in parents if they listen to other voices. It is a high-control tactic.)
Lack of Marital Harmony (includes much truth!)
Establishing and Maintaining a Child-Centered Home (In which the child’s needs are seen as equal to the parents)
Modeling Sinful Anger (Emphasis on correcting your own anger problems)
Habitually Disciplining While Angry (Focus on the child’s sin not your discomfort)
Scolding (Control yourself before talking to the child.)
Being Inconsistent with Discipline (Parents be in agreement with each other and from day to day.)
Having Double Standards (Excellent points on the harm of hypocrisy.)
Being Legalistic (When God’s rules—biblical and not up for debate—are not distinguished from family rules that are temporary and can be appealed—an appeal process is included.)
Not Admitting You’re Wrong and Not Asking for Forgiveness (An excellent approach to asking for forgiveness is provided.)
Constantly Finding Fault (Everything doesn’t require a sermon.)
Parents Reversing God-Given Roles (Think patriarchy, gender role confusion, see parents not conforming to God’s order.)
Not Listening to Your Child’s Opinion or Taking His or Her “Side of the Story” Seriously (You need to listen to your child’s perspective.)
Comparing Them to Others (Focus on the gifts and talents of each child.)
Not Making Time “Just to Talk” (“Relationships are impossible to build without communication.” p. 42)
Not Praising or Encouraging your Child (“Self perception becomes distorted rather than sober.” p. 43)
Failing to Keep Your Promises (Either break the contract if it can’t be kept or ask forgiveness.)
Chastening in Front of Others (Shame is not mentioned, but the admonition is clear.)
Not Allowing Enough Freedom (Emphasis is on earning freedom through responsible behavior.)
Allowing Too Much Freedom (“Children must be taught how to repent o sin, how to be responsible, and how to live a self-disciplined life.)
Mocking Your Child (1. “Do Not make fun of inadequacies about which the child can do nothing” or “Ridicule for things that do not involve pleasing God.” Why ridicule at all? 2. Do not make fun of sinful behavior. p 47).
Abusing them Physically (This includes “appropriate” discipline— the author includes corporal punishment throughout the book but distinguishes it from abuse).
Ridiculing or Name Calling (When you observe a pattern, it is appropriate to use biblical terms such as, “slothful, foolish, double-minded, deceitful, self-centered, and idolatrous.” p 48)
Unrealistic Expectations (“The Bible acknowledges that children think, speak and reason differently from adult. The process whereby children grow and develop takes time.” but it should be understood that “children are sinners and are therefore going to sin.”p. 49)
Practicing Favoritism (Holding to standards while allowing that children and circumstances can require different responses and explaining that to the other child.)
Child Training with Worldly Methodologies Inconsistent with God’s Word. (“Employing the counsel of man-made pop psychology.” p. 51)
It isn’t that the book doesn’t have some good advice that would be valuable to all parents; it is how it builds upon a platform that is not consistent with what we understand about neuroscience and child development.
What is remarkable is that the chapter after #25 decrying pop psychology is a description of the neurobiological stress responses of fight, flight, and freeze/collapse couched in biblical sin language.
Possibly the most unsettling chapter was the one about Angry Attitudes. Quoting H. Clay Turnbull, the author stated, “A very young child can be trained to cry for what it wants, or to keep quiet, as a means of securing it.” (p. 61) It is a recurring theme in the book that emotions that express needs are the problem and that problem is placed squarely on the child’s shoulders.
In the many conversations I have had with adult survivors of religious abuse in childhood, it always involved the necessity of controlling their actions, words, and facial expressions that displayed any emotions. A few quotes will suffice:
“Children must be taught to choose their words carefully, especially when a problem exists that makes them angry.” (p. 56)
“Children probably provoke their parents to anger more quickly by being disrespectful than by any other behavior. Yet, it is more often the tone of voice of the child rather than the words that communicates disrespect [and a list of other emotions].” (p. 56)
“Did you know that feelings of pride, anger, bitterness, fear, sensuality, and rebellion can all show on our faces without us even being aware of it? . . . Changing facial expressions is probably the most difficult aspect of communication to correct.” (p. 59)
I could continue, but ultimately it is the basic premise that a child’s emotions and expressions of those emotions are sinful that causes me to part ways. The author doesn’t disagree that the parent’s actions may be causing the child to be angry—but the developing child is always responsible for any “unbiblical” displays of that anger. The needs of the child, though occasionally addressed, are never what is important.
A second observation is that the entire book is based on the belief that children are born sinful. Since my dissertation work was on the teaching methodologies that emerge from various views of the child, I understand that the premise is theological. The child is sinful and must be controlled and taught to control themselves. Toward the middle of the book the author included of list of the following “common childhood desires.”
I wanted to control my parents
I wanted to get even
I wanted to do what I wanted.
I wanted something that belonged to another.
I wanted to hurt or murder someone. Wait? What?
Another list somewhat later adds the following:
I wanted to look at pornography
I wanted to kill him
I didn’t want to obey my parents
I did not want to share my toys
Wait. How is all that put together on a list about common childhood desires? The view of the child as a miniature adult so common in the Victorian era is evident throughout the book and developmental behaviors are conflated with the sin nature.
And to top it all off, at the end of the book the author shares the parent questionnaire that he used to determine how manipulative the child is.
(Note: Manipulation is what a child does when the parents cannot or choose not to meet the needs of the child.)
One criterion on the form was that “When. my child wants something from me, he tries to motivate me to give it to him without telling me directly what he wants.” How tragic—that a child who struggles to express his wants or needs is viewed as manipulative. The entire document would place every child who has experienced emotional neglect in the category of a sinful manipulator.
No matter what the child felt, there was always a scripture verse to tell them it was sinful. They learned to control their anger and ensure their face never betrayed their sinful thoughts! It is absolutely no wonder that so many raised in these environments are seeking out information on religious trauma. They were not sinful children, they were raised in churches and homes where parents were instructed by leaders to enforce unhealthy submission. They were told it was God’s way and believed it was biblical.
I feel compassion for those who are unable to understand what happened—or unwilling to understand it—and as a result have lost relationships with their children. It is another tragic result of Religious abuse and trauma. Parents who were taught these principles believed that the leaders knew best.
There is no shame in realizing we were misled intentionally or for the most part unintentionally—and apologizing to our adult children.
Janyne McConnaughey is a Co-founder of the Religious Trauma Network.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition. Janyne is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly individual observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.