Redefining the Holidays After Painful Experiences
by David Ruybalid
I used to find the Christmas season incredibly challenging. Two profoundly traumatic and life-altering events occurred during this time in my childhood, leaving lasting scars. Adding to that, my fundamentalist Christian upbringing made navigating the holiday season as an adult both confusing and painful. When I began deconstructing much of the faith I grew up with, I often felt isolated and emotionally unsettled during Christmas. I felt out of place at family gatherings, unsure of how to be myself when I didn’t even know who I was.
As I became a husband and father, we moved two mountain ranges away from the place I was raised, leaving behind the annual family gatherings that once defined the season. Over time, my family and I began to craft our own holiday tradition celebrations that felt meaningful and authentic to us. Letting go of the expectations that had caused me so much pain allowed space for joy and healing to take root.
For many people healing from religious trauma, these seasons can feel like navigating an emotional minefield. The songs, traditions, and even family gatherings may carry a weight of pain, shame, or dissonance. How do you approach these days with intention, especially when they feel inextricably linked to the faith tradition you’ve left behind?
Here are some ideas to help you reclaim holidays as opportunities for healing, joy, and authenticity.
1. Redefine What the Holiday Means to You
One of the first steps is giving yourself permission to redefine these holidays. What did Christmas or Easter mean in your previous context? What values or themes, like love, renewal, generosity, or hope, still resonate with you? You might decide to embrace the season as a time to rest, to connect with loved ones, or to honor the cycles of nature. Your celebration doesn’t have to mirror what you grew up with; it can be entirely your own.
For example, Christmas could become a time to express gratitude or simply enjoy the beauty of winter. Easter might be a celebration of growth and new beginnings, disconnected from its religious framework.
2. Identify Your Triggers
It’s essential to name and acknowledge the aspects of the holiday that bring up difficult emotions. Is it the church services your family insists you attend? Certain hymns or carols? The pressure to perform traditions that feel hollow or painful?
Once you identify these triggers, you can take steps to protect your emotional well-being.
You might decide to skip events that feel overwhelming or have a plan to step away if something becomes too much. Creating a list of grounding practices, like deep breathing, journaling, or calling a trusted friend, can help you navigate triggering moments.
3. Establish New Traditions
Letting go of old traditions doesn’t mean letting go of the holidays altogether. In fact, this can be an opportunity to create new rituals that reflect your values and bring you genuine joy.
• Host a holiday movie night with friends or family who understand your journey.
• Spend time in nature as a way to ground yourself and connect with something bigger than you.
• Start a gratitude practice by writing down moments or people you’re thankful for during the season.
New traditions don’t have to be elaborate; even small gestures can carry deep meaning.
4. Communicate Boundaries with Loved Ones
Family gatherings can be particularly challenging if relatives expect you to participate in triggering religious rituals or conversations that feel unsafe. It’s okay to say no. Setting clear boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect, even if it’s uncomfortable.
You might say:
• “I love spending time with you, but I’m not comfortable attending the church service. I’ll join everyone afterward for dinner.”
• “This season is complicated for me, so I’m choosing to celebrate in my own way. I love you.”
Prepare for the possibility that not everyone will respond well. Remind yourself that their reactions are not your responsibility.
5. Allow Space for Grief
Holidays often highlight what we’ve lost: the sense of belonging we once felt, the simplicity of unquestioned faith, or relationships strained by our decision to leave a religious movement. It’s okay to grieve. Healing doesn’t mean forcing yourself to feel cheerful; it means making room for all your emotions, even the hard ones.
Consider creating a quiet moment to honor what you’ve left behind and what you’re moving toward. Lighting a candle, writing in a journal, or listening to music that soothes your soul can be a way to process the bittersweet nature of these seasons.
6. Seek Out Community
Holidays can feel isolating, especially if your faith transition has created distance between you and loved ones. Finding community with others who understand your journey can make a world of difference. Whether it’s a support group, a circle of like-minded friends, or even an online space, connection can help you feel less alone.
The Religious Trauma Network is here to remind you that you’re not walking this path alone. There are others who understand how complicated holidays can be, and they’re navigating it too.
7. Embrace the Freedom to Opt Out
Lastly, know that you don’t have to celebrate at all. If the holidays feel too overwhelming this year, it’s okay to take a pass. Spend the day reading, taking a trip, or doing something completely unrelated. Your healing journey is your own, and you have the freedom to approach these seasons in the way that feels healthiest for you.
David Ruybalid is a co-founder of the Religious Trauma Network.
See more from David at davidruybalid.substack.com.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition. David is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly individual observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.