The Impact of Childhood Attachment on Faith and Parenting
by David Ruybalid
A child needs to experience the unconditional love of their caregiver, for it is through this bond that they learn what it means to feel safe, valued, and seen. Healthy attachment between a child and their caregiver is foundational. It is in this space of security that a child’s nervous system can develop properly, learning to regulate emotions, manage stress, and form relationships built on trust and mutual respect. This process of co-regulation—where the caregiver helps the child navigate their emotions and experiences—creates a blueprint for how the child will interact with the world and understand their place in it.
However, when a child faces abuse or a lack of safety in their environment (abuse, neglect, etc.), the effects can be deeply traumatic. In the absence of a secure attachment, the child may have to navigate these unsafe environments alone, leading them to shut down parts of themselves in order to adapt. This shutting down is a survival mechanism—a desperate attempt to feel some semblance of love and acceptance from their caregiver, despite the underlying fear. The child learns that in order to survive, they must suppress their needs, desires, and even parts of their identity. This can lead to a lifetime of emotional struggle, manifesting in anxiety, depression, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships.
In many American Christian circles, there is a teaching that eerily mirrors this experience: God the Father is depicted as angry at our behavior, and rather than punishing us, He took out His anger on Jesus. This portrayal leads to the idea that we are called to obedience out of obligation, driven by fear of the Lord—a fear that some argue is missing from “watered-down sermons” today. The fear of punishment becomes the driving force behind the relationship with God, much like the fear that dominates an abusive household.
Notice how this view of God mirrors the dynamics of an abusive home. For those who have experienced childhood trauma, an angry, punitive God can seem all too familiar, even normal. This intersection of childhood trauma with a belief in an angry God can reinforce and normalize abusive behaviors in parenting, shaping how individuals see their role as caregivers. The idea that love must be earned, or that obedience is more important than the child’s emotional well-being, becomes a guiding principle. This can lead to parenting that is harsh, devoid of empathy, and focused on control rather than connection.
But this is not the heart of God. Healthy attachment and co-regulation with a caregiver reflect the true nature of God’s love—a love that is patient, kind, and unconditional. God is not the angry, punitive figure that some have been led to believe. Rather, He is the embodiment of love itself. And it is this love that must shape our theology, our understanding of who God is, and how we parent our children.
When we view God as a loving Father who desires our wholeness and healing, we are freed from the cycle of fear and shame. We begin to understand that our relationship with God is not based on our ability to perform or adhere to a strict set of rules, but on His unwavering love for us. This understanding can transform the way we parent, moving us away from fear-based tactics and toward an approach that prioritizes connection, empathy, and understanding.
The intersection of childhood trauma and religious trauma is profoundly damaging, yet tragically, it is often normalized in many Christian communities. But let us not forget: children need unconditional love, and our theology should reflect this truth. Just as a caregiver’s love can help a child feel safe and valued, so too does God’s love for us provide the foundation for our healing and growth. As 1 John 4:16-19 reminds us, “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them… There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
Our understanding of God and how we relate to Him can shape every aspect of our lives, including how we parent. When we embrace the reality that God is love, we can break free from the cycles of trauma and fear, and create homes where our children can flourish in the safety and security of unconditional love.
David Ruybalid is a co-founder of the Religious Trauma Network.
Originally posted at davidruybalid.substack.com.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition. David is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly individual observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.